Sharing... once again, this time for real.

Hola Yshaito,

Now it’s my turn to be clear as you were a few days ago. I’ve decided to write you because I can express myself better in writing than in the phone.

Let’s say that you invite me to a wedding, in which I understand that implies to share a special moment for you, meet your friends, hear your speech, see you in a tux, dance all night, sing with the karaoke, and have a great time, as we have had so far every time we see each other. Let’s say I say yes immediately, even though it also implies I’ll need to drive 2 hours each way and come back by myself but I feel it’s totally worth it.

Let’s say that you were expecting me to wear a blue dress (share a room). You have the picture in your mind but you don’t share it with me. Our expectations are different.

Back in San Diego, when I thought of the wedding a week ago, I go into my closet and start wondering what I should wear (where will I spend the night) and I found a black dress (a reservation at a hotel where a friend works with her employee rate).

I was really excited because the day in which I was going to see you was approaching so I e-mailed you and told you about my black dress (my sleeping arrangements) and asked what you were going to wear.

You call me and tell me that you are surprised (not happy) about my dress choice. That’s when you said you expected me to wear a blue dress. I felt really awkward. I had a feeling you liked blue but because you didn’t mentioned it when you invited me I felt free to choose my dress color.

I don’t look good in blue and I don’t feel comfortable wearing a color that is not my choice (I know I don’t share a room with someone I’m attracted to, with someone I feel chemistry with when we are both going to be drinking all night).

I’m afraid to fool myself and feel we are a couple sharing a romantic night together when we are not. I’m afraid to start having feelings for you when you live in a different city, when I feel I don’t know you well enough. I’m afraid to be vulnerable, to loose focus and energy. I’m afraid this is not the right timing, that there are many changes in my life and that I need to be focus and feel in control. I’m afraid to get hurt. As we all are.

You feel I’m putting barriers. Well I am. But the only way I can stop being afraid is by sharing moments, by spending time together, by feeling you are truly interested in me, by feeling appreciated. By living the present, letting the relationship grow, evolve and take its own path, whatever this might be.

I feel really bad you are disappointed. I didn’t want to bring any negative feelings into your best friend’s wedding. I’m also sad because I feel unappreciated if I don’t wear blue.

Well here it is. Me being open, clear, honest and, therefore, vulnerable.

I would like you to be honest as well and let me know if you still feel good about your decision of inviting me to the wedding, even if I plan to wear my “black dress”.

Sincerely,
Charline