33th Anniversary

Imagine spending your birthday with the person you are in love with. You are given these rules – every time you ring the bell you will get a kiss, a card or a gift.

You get a morning full of kisses, cards, gifts and BSE. You are served a dreamy breakfast that includes home-cooked muffins. You are taken to a beautiful spa and spend the day pampering yourself while having fun, meaningful and unforgettable moments.

Lastly, you are taken to a really nice restaurant for an elegant dinner. At the end you go to sleep in your lover’s arms.

Imagine dreams can come true. Mine did.

My three wishes for 33:
1. Be able to transition into a new career
2. Get clear about who I am
3. Be courageous and be able to express who I am

Enough is Enough.

Enough is enough. It has been an entire year since our first date. That perfect evening in June 2010 where I was charmed by your personality. It’s been a year of flirting, mixed messages and sexual tension, all wrapped beautifully in a “we are great friends” package.

Enough is enough. For a full year, I’ve been pretending that nothing is going on. Making believe that I do not feel attracted to you. Pushing all these feelings down convincing myself that these are not real and only a distraction.

Enough is enough. I’m done feeling shame for having these feelings towards you. I’m tired of worrying about the “what does this mean” or the “what will others think”. Most importantly, I’m tired of wondering what your intentions are.

Enough is enough. I can’t stand any more flirting. I’m feeling hurt and fooled. I’m disappointed you have not brought it up. I’m afraid you will deny everything.

Enough is enough. If the flirting is serious, if I mean more than a friend to you, let’s imagine how a relationship could look like. I can’t promise I want to change my lifestyle and be with you, but I’m willing to explore. If you are not being serious and do not acknowledge the flirting, then we need to step back and recreate our friendship, because as it is, is not working for me.

All these flirting make me feel unsettled. Confused. Lonely. I don’t want to feel this anymore.

Enough is enough.

Note to Self

Prior to judging others, take a closer look to yourself and ask the following:

1) Do I offer what I expect? (Thank you Javo for that one)

2) Am I been my best self towards this person?

3) How is my attitude affecting others attitudes towards me?

4) When I am my best towards others, most likely I will not tap into their "insecureness", making it easier for them to be their best towards me.
5) If I am giving my truly best and I don't feel they reciprocate, then is time to move on. I will be able to move on feeling feeling assured I did the right thing as I offered my best.

Every day offers a new piece of the puzzle. I might have finally found an important one towards connecting with others and possibly (surely hopefully) falling in love.

YOU

Do you exist or are you only a product of my imagination?

Yes, you… I’m talking to you.

You are supposed to appear and suddenly change it everything.

You are supposed to come into my life and bring joy and charm.

You are supposed to make me feel understood. You are supposed to “get me”.

Is this real and possible or is this just a product of my imagination. I don’t know.

Should I continue to look for you?

Should I instead “construct” another you? A “you” that fits my rational side.

My head says: If I would to have a family, I would need a partner that is stable (emotionally and economically), a “good” person, with similar values as and similar lifestyle, smart, attractive, attentive, interested in culture… for starters.

My heart says : If I would have a life partner, I would need a partner in crime, someone that sees me as who I am, someone I can tell my deepest secrets, makes me laugh and laugh with me, “gets me”, is fun to travel and explore new places and cultures, interested in self-improvement, connects with me spiritually, understands my fears and lends me hand to overcome them.

Will you ever come into my life and charm both my heart and my head?

I wonder if you exist or are you only a product of my imagination…

Yes, you… I’m talking to you.