Wednesday, November 30, 2011

33th Anniversary

Imagine spending your birthday with the person you are in love with. You are given these rules – every time you ring the bell you will get a kiss, a card or a gift.

You get a morning full of kisses, cards, gifts and BSE. You are served a dreamy breakfast that includes home-cooked muffins. You are taken to a beautiful spa and spend the day pampering yourself while having fun, meaningful and unforgettable moments.

Lastly, you are taken to a really nice restaurant for an elegant dinner. At the end you go to sleep in your lover’s arms.

Imagine dreams can come true. Mine did.

My three wishes for 33:
1. Be able to transition into a new career
2. Get clear about who I am
3. Be courageous and be able to express who I am

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Enough is Enough.

Enough is enough. It has been an entire year since our first date. That perfect evening in June 2010 where I was charmed by your personality. It’s been a year of flirting, mixed messages and sexual tension, all wrapped beautifully in a “we are great friends” package.

Enough is enough. For a full year, I’ve been pretending that nothing is going on. Making believe that I do not feel attracted to you. Pushing all these feelings down convincing myself that these are not real and only a distraction.

Enough is enough. I’m done feeling shame for having these feelings towards you. I’m tired of worrying about the “what does this mean” or the “what will others think”. Most importantly, I’m tired of wondering what your intentions are.

Enough is enough. I can’t stand any more flirting. I’m feeling hurt and fooled. I’m disappointed you have not brought it up. I’m afraid you will deny everything.

Enough is enough. If the flirting is serious, if I mean more than a friend to you, let’s imagine how a relationship could look like. I can’t promise I want to change my lifestyle and be with you, but I’m willing to explore. If you are not being serious and do not acknowledge the flirting, then we need to step back and recreate our friendship, because as it is, is not working for me.

All these flirting make me feel unsettled. Confused. Lonely. I don’t want to feel this anymore.

Enough is enough.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Note to Self

Prior to judging others, take a closer look to yourself and ask the following:

1) Do I offer what I expect? (Thank you Javo for that one)

2) Am I been my best self towards this person?

3) How is my attitude affecting others attitudes towards me?

4) When I am my best towards others, most likely I will not tap into their "insecureness", making it easier for them to be their best towards me.
5) If I am giving my truly best and I don't feel they reciprocate, then is time to move on. I will be able to move on feeling feeling assured I did the right thing as I offered my best.

Every day offers a new piece of the puzzle. I might have finally found an important one towards connecting with others and possibly (surely hopefully) falling in love.

Friday, February 18, 2011


Do you exist or are you only a product of my imagination?

Yes, you… I’m talking to you.

You are supposed to appear and suddenly change it everything.

You are supposed to come into my life and bring joy and charm.

You are supposed to make me feel understood. You are supposed to “get me”.

Is this real and possible or is this just a product of my imagination. I don’t know.

Should I continue to look for you?

Should I instead “construct” another you? A “you” that fits my rational side.

My head says: If I would to have a family, I would need a partner that is stable (emotionally and economically), a “good” person, with similar values as and similar lifestyle, smart, attractive, attentive, interested in culture… for starters.

My heart says : If I would have a life partner, I would need a partner in crime, someone that sees me as who I am, someone I can tell my deepest secrets, makes me laugh and laugh with me, “gets me”, is fun to travel and explore new places and cultures, interested in self-improvement, connects with me spiritually, understands my fears and lends me hand to overcome them.

Will you ever come into my life and charm both my heart and my head?

I wonder if you exist or are you only a product of my imagination…

Yes, you… I’m talking to you.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

32th Anniversary

At my 32th anniversary, I’m thankful for:

1. Having the opportunity to be alive after 32 years since I was born
2. Being able to enjoy a night out with friends and sip delicious wine, Malbec – in other words, being free
3. Blow a candle and have three wishes: love, health and faith. All over a delicious chocolate cake that I was able to enjoy among friends. All this as I was aware that millions of people all over the world does not have the opportunity to do such thing
4. To appreciate how I was able to transform myself in the last six years
5. To realize that I’m capable of dreaming and pursue those dreams
6. Knowing that I’m capable of loving as well as falling in & out of love
7. Loving and accepting myself (my mind, body and spirit) just the way I am – in the here and the now
8. Remembering precious moments and feel thankful rather than regretful
9. Being able to choose the people who I want to surround myself with
10. Being an American citizen
11. Being Jewish
12. Being Mexican
13. Being a Woman
14. Being born
15. My mom
16. My dad
17. My siblings
18. My aunt
19. My uncle
20. My stepmom
21. My nieces and nephew as well as my cousins
22. My work
23. My ex-husband
24. All my lovers, boyfriends and crushes
25. My soul mate – the woman who lives thousands of miles away, and that is the closest to me
26. My Very Creative Director aka most adventurous friend – who has brought a new and bright light into my life
27. My pasha – the most loving man I have ever known
28. My Guide – the most loving women I have ever known
29. La Tia Chula – My “How to be a Mom” sample
30. Maxito – a taste of being a mom
31. My home – my first home
32. My body – my soul’s home - my breathing, my walking, my thinking, my sleeping, my moving, my eating, my drinking, my feeling… each and every inch of my body…

I’m thankful for.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Ain't Easy!

Ain’t Easy. Exercising leadership, bringing up change, getting to the top, and I bet being on the top is even more difficult.

Studying all sort of theories behind authority (formal and informal), power, change, organizational behavior for two years, brought so much hope. Hope for a future where my life could be one that would count. A dream of “making a difference” could come true. A difference defined by bringing “change” into people’s lives. Therefore, “learning” how to carry out change was most important.

After putting in practice all my learning for the last three weeks and not accomplishing change, my entire body, mind and spirit is feeling exhausted, defeated and discouraged.

Wondering if Martin Luther King, Rabin, Golda Meir, Obama and all those leaders ever felt this way. Although my predicament might not be as challenging, is feeling very real, big and overwhelming.

Have I learned anything? Will I take away any lessons? So far, the biggest lesson is the realization that exercising leadership, bringing up change and getting to the top… definitely ain’t easy!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

L'Shana Tovah!

Dear Family and Friends,

I want to share with you my experience during these past few days while celebrating Rosh Hashanah. Included in this letter are those in my life who I hold dear as well as those of you who have made an impact on my spiritual journey.

As some of you already know, the High Holidays have never meant much to me. While growing up I went to temple with my family, feeling excited about seeing and catching up with my friends. Also, would look forward to delicious family dinners (better described as feasts).

Prayers would be boring. Mostly because a feeling of disconnection when praying to a “King of the Universe”, begging for “forgiveness” and asking fervently to “let me live” the next year. I admit to have my own personal doubts about whether such “Judgmental G-d” even existed. Deeply inside, I felt guilty and ashamed for having such thoughts. I always assumed that questioning the existence of G-d would automatically make me “a bad Jew” or even worse, “not Jewish”. And having someone denying my Judaism would be painful, as the Jewish community is one of the most important values in my life and I’m very proud of feeling Jewish.

After reading “How to Get the More Out of Being Jewish even if…” by Gil Mann, I learned that questioning our spiritual assumptions is in fact “very Jewish”. Furthermore my questions do not make me a “bad Jew” but a “serious Jew”. Being a serious Jew means embarking into a journey looking for answers. Try to find meaning and personal connection to the Jewish spiritual traditions and rituals.

For that reason, this year I decided to act as a “serious Jew” and look for that connection rather than just be turned off by my own assumptions about the Jewish religion. As a result, here are some of my reflections:

* “G-d” - I made the conscious decision to believe. Believe in something greater than anything I know. Believe that I can approach and talk to this “G-d”. Having faith in the presence of G-d is comforting because in some unusual way, makes me feel I’m not completely responsible for all that happens or doesn’t happen to me as well as others. I’m choosing to give up control. It also engages me in an internal dialogue with my inner-self while I talk to “G-d”. This dialogue is not always easy but is rewarding.

* “Prayers are not only requests, they are also chants” - I’m very curious about yoga and meditation. Although I don’t practice it, I read that a way to meditate is to chant. Chanting supposedly makes you happy and shuts down your mind. Jewish prayers contain beautiful words and poems. Singing them made me happy. Especially along dozens of others singing the same tunes, made me feel connected and content.

* “Returning Home” – Rabbi Graubart, as always, provided a very inspirational and personable sermon. He talked about two very interesting Jewish concepts. “Teshuva “(Return) and “Bait” (Home). He gave an array of definitions of these two concepts. After listening to his sermon, I came up with my own interpretation. “Bait” is my “inner-home” where I feel comfortable and in peace. I’m now asking myself, what this “bait” looks like and what I need to "think and do" in order to “return” (arrive) to this place. While setting and accomplishing goals is not a new concept for me, it was interesting to learn that I was more receptive to experience it through Stephen Covey than from my own religion. The only difference is that these new goals are focusing on my thoughts as well as my mind and spirit rather than only on my professional and/or personal life.

Lastly, I want to share a very special moment I experienced yesterday. During a ceremony called “Tashlih” (cast away) at the beach, I threw away pieces of bread to the ocean (along with dozens of others) symbolizing the letting go of my sins: deception, stubbornness, envy, selfishness, indifference, pride and arrogance. Without carrying with the heaviness of those faults on my back, I started walking at the beach.

The day was gorgeous. The sun was starting to come down. Lots of people were either walking or running along the beach. I was barefoot feeling the different textures of the sand. From time to time the sea will reach my feet and I would feel refreshed by the cold water of the Pacific Ocean. The horizon was an endless line that would be interrupted by the shape of the powerful and relentless sun. For some reason, my mind started to chant. “Avinu Malkeynu”; “Leha Dodi”; “Aleynu Leshaveach”. I was feeling at ease and complete. Unexpectedly, a bird entered my view. This bird was perfect. The shape and colors of its feathers were absolutely stunning. It was like this bird was handmade. Then I was distracted by a man who was running. All his muscles were perfectly formed. His legs, arms, feet and entire body would move in total harmony. It was like this person was handmade. I suddenly felt I was part of something that is utterly perfect and extremely beautiful. A picture of the earth seeing from space crossed my mind. I felt incredibly small yet immensely powerful. As if I am part of a “ONE”, while at the same time this “ONE” is part of me. The Shema Yisrael crossed my mind. “Shema Yisrael, Adonay Eloheinu, Adonay Ehad”…Hear O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is One.

May we all be inscribed for a Peaceful and Purposeful Year.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Soy Culpable...

Me declaro culpable. Totalmente culpable de estar dentro de una busqueda interminable de amor, aceptacion y validacion.

Culpable de empeNar todas mis energias, pensamientos, tiempo y esfuerzos en ser querida, aceptada y validada.

Busco el amor, aceptacion y validacion de todas las figuras maternales en mi vida. Y al mismo tiempo busco frenetica e incontrolablemente el amor de una pareja.

Lo vivo todos los dias, dia a dia, minuto a minuto. Antepongo esta necesidad sobre mis propias necesidades y deseos.

Cuando existe la posibilidad de que una de mis figuras maternas se enoje conmigo (lo que en mi experiencia significa dejarme de amar), siento una terrible ansiedad y necesidad de arreglarlo a costa de lo que sea.

De igual manera, cuando existe la pequeNa posibilidad de que un hombre me ofrezca el amor de una pareja (o lo que yo imagino que es el amor de una pareja), dejo de tener los pies en la tierra, fantaseo y me alejo de la realidad, corriendo freneticamente, diciendo a gritos: POR FAVOR AMAME!!!

DISGUSTING. Cada vez que estos episodios suceden, siento una terrible repugnancia hacia mi misma.

Me gustaria tener mas control sobre mis deseos de ser amada, aceptada y validada. Al mismo tiempo, quiero tener mas compasion por mi misma y lograr amarme, aceptarme y validarme asi tal cual soy. Con todas mis debilidades asi como mis fortalezas.

Tal vez algun dia lo lograre. Pero mientras, tengo la necesidad de ser honesta conmigo misma y declararme culpable.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Despacio, Que Voy de Prisa

Slow cause I’m in a hurry… I’m in a hurry of falling in love. Of connecting in a deep and intimate way with someone.

When setting myself a goal as important as falling in love I have learned that I’m better off if I take it slow. Why? Because it is important that I do it right. If I do it slow I increase my chances of finding true love and of not fantasizing. If I hurry up I increase my chances of getting hurt again, and that is not acceptable. Not willing to do that to myself anymore.

Today I finally understood what I’m looking for in a relationship. Yes. Today Thursday, June 24 from all the days, something finally clicked.

I’m looking for two things. One is someone who I respect and admire. That is important because that increase my interest of spending time with this person. At the same time, this person needs to make me feel special, loved and cared for.

Interestingly enough the only two relationships I have had since my divorce, included only one of those two components. Bonbon was sweet and caring… he truly made me feel very special. Yet, I had no respect for his lifestyle and life goals. On the other hand, I highly respected VSM (very special man), his lifestyle and life goals… we were completely connected in that regard. Yet, he did not make me feel special, nor cared for or loved.

At least now I know I’m looking for a “combo” of those two. And I will take it slow. Slowly enough to allow me to stay in reality and do not start fantasizing about the person who attracts me. I want to fall in love with the right person. With a person that will love me back the way I want to be loved. Crazy in love. Totally and absurdly crazy in love.

This has become a priority in my life. For that reason, I’m in a hurry and I will take it slow.

Friday, June 18, 2010

A Perfect Date

Last week I had A perfect “date”… my “date” has an amazing personality. This person is self-secure, genuine and amusing. It involves me in the discussion in such a way that I wish our conversations would never stop. It grabs my attention – my full attention. Nothing existed while this person was talking to me.

At the end of the night, I realized it – I am attracted to this person. I never found this person attractive, yet now I’m feeling attracted.

Lesson learned – I’m attracted to people with strong personalities and interesting conversations. In life, in love and in general.

This person was not my official “date” neither will it ever be… what does that mean – what the bleep do I know!