Yes. Charline is dying. Slowly but surely, she is passing away.
For all these years, Charline has lived inside me. She is that voice in my head that fantasizes about everything. Indeed, Charline is this obscure side of me that I never talk about.
During my entire life I have fantasized. I clearly remember during my childhood the fantasies I created in my mind. Those were a great distraction from the uncertain reality I was living. Those kept me away from facing the facts that I was not ready neither prepared to understand.
I have also created lots of fantasies during my adult life. Mainly I have had two fantasies. One: I have a loving family. Two: I will meet the man of my dreams and everything will just work out.
It was easier to think that I had a loving family than to face the fact, that I DON’T have a loving family. My dad is not my confidant. My stepmom is not my friend. My mom is not a caring mom. Thinking the opposite was easier because it is tough to realize that I am on my own. That I have no one to fall into in case things gets tough. Therefore, I need to make it on my own.
It was also easier to think that I will definitely meet and fall in love with the man of my dreams. Also when he will enter my life, our relationship will flourish and we will connect easily. Once I would marry, he would take care of the family finances and our future together. Thinking the opposite is scary as hell. But nonetheless, that is the reality.
No. The man of my dreams will not just enter into my life. I might or might not fall in love again. And that is fact. Being in a relationship, a healthy relationship where I say what I want and what I feel is VERY difficult for me. I tend to lose myself. I get desperate to materialize the fantasy in mind, that I do whatever it takes to remain in the relationship. Even when I know my partner is abusive, or a liar or not loving.
Also, it is easier to think that someone will come and take responsibility for my life. That he will provide money so that I can travel, have kids and have a good life. Although I despite myself for thinking that way, that is the truth. Deeply inside, even though I would never admit it, I used to think that way.
But not anymore. Less and less I am fantasizing. I’m trying to remain in the reality. To see the relationships around for what they are. And most importantly to take care of the most important relationship in my life. Now and forever. The relationship I have with myself. Also, I now know that I need to create the future I want for myself. I need to work hard and take responsibility of my finances and every aspect of my life.
So, why do I say that Charline is “almost dying” – well because there is still one fantasy I just can’t avoid. Because for some reason, every time I look at those Argentinean brown eyes, I lose myself once again. My heart feels like it will get out of my chest and I feel all nervous as well as excited at the same time. The call it a crush, I call it Charline desperately trying to survive…
